Submissive men on the net often ask me why they have such a bad reputation, and why they cannot gain trust of the women they are courting. They ask me why they get treated with suspicion and are kept at arm’s length for awhile. They wonder where the bitter resentment comes from when they talk to dominant woman and are just trying to make small talk or get to know someone.
The truth is, sadly, that dominant women on the net are quite often misled, taken advantage of, lied to or used for the purposes of a man then conveniently ditched.
I’ve put together a short “code of ethics”, so to speak, that I encourage men to try to follow when interacting with a dominant woman online. This will better your chances of gaining her trust, and if what you seek is an eventual real-life meeting, this will hopefully bring you closer to that. I also have included the reasoning, in my experience, that some of these “emotional roadblocks” are in place.
Before I start the list, you have to remember one thing about dominant women. We are, first and foremost, women. As women, we are born communicators, we are more sensitive, and we are more emotional. Of course I am not talking about ALL women, but some men seem to think that dominant = coarse, rough, tough around the edges and immune to hurt or emotional pain. We are just as capable of feeling emotionally used, walked on and betrayed. We are just often more likely not to take any of that shit – for one, because we have been through it enough times to tire of it – and for two, I believe dominant women typically have higher than usual self awareness and self-esteem.
While you may envision a very hot cyber encounter that is based mostly on exchange of saucy emails and hearing about what her toys do, keep in mind you are more likely to lose her if you show interest in ONLY that. After all, there IS a woman behind that dominant. But, on the other hand, if you have to force yourself to be interested in her as a person, there is something wrong in the first place.
1. Understand where she is coming from
Do not judge harshly the fact that we may be standoffish or suspicious. Look at it this way – imagine if in your day to day dealings with vanilla women you knew that every woman had been cheated on at least once. What do you think that does to her trust in men? In her way of sizing up their motivations?
If we have been deceived (and believe me, most of us have), chances are we have our guard up. We may be slow to warm up to a man, even if we find him interesting. We may be suspicious and ask a lot of questions and demand proof for a lot of statements. We may be cold and detached if our “asshole” sensors are going off. Keep in mind that the more you say and do all the right things, the MORE suspicious we are. That’s just the way it goes.
Just be patient. Understand our position. Understand that most of us have been misled and screwed over by a few schmucks on the net, and we are not taking it out on you; we are just protecting ourselves. Be patient, honest and sincere. You will prevail in time.
2. Don’t use protocol she never asked you to
Don’t start emailing or chatting online with a woman and use terms like “Mistress”, capitalize the “Y” in “you” and lowercase your I’s, etc. Do not bring all that baggage to the table that either YOU found hot in some stories or a professional femdom told you in a session. I don’t care about the Supreme Goddess in your eyes told you a year ago that you must address ALL women in this manner. You don’t go calling women at your work, “Mistress” and you don’t walk around with your head bowed all the time during the day.
Dominant women, 9 times out of 10, are put off and annoyed by pretentious submissive behavior. We don’t go around dominating all men, and we don’t want all men to run around flaunting their submissive protocol. There are a few women that enjoy that, but trust me, most do not. Most reserve that kind of behavior for mutually bonded couples or when a connection is established. Don’t make up your own rules; let her give you hers.
Beware of women that come on too strong on the net and start demanding instant respect and submission. Most of the time they are men. Trust me on that. They are looking for kicks.
3. Don’t mislead her or others
Most dominant women have been misled by men who had wives and girlfriends but conveniently left that out, or men that were involved in relationships they purposely did not bring up when talking to us online. Just because you didn’t get asked the question does not mean it is not dishonest. Do not think that just because it is the net you can leave out details about your intimacies with other people and that makes it ok.
Furthermore, don’t think that CYBER does not equal reality. Certainly, we have all roleplayed online from time to time and I hope you recognize that is different from having an ongoing email or chat exchange with a woman where you get to know each other. An anonymous random chat one night is one thing; but if you are maintaining and ongoing discussion with a woman online, she has a right to know if you are seeing someone else. That is just good ethics and it demonstrates honesty and integrity.
As trust is the basis for a solid BDSM relationship, you will find that dominant women place an even higher value on trust. The same goes for communication. If a guy doesn’t have the balls to tell us he’s not single, how the hell is he going to have the balls to communicate to use about a serious S&M issue? He won’t. It means he is a coward. Or afraid of conflict. Or just selfish. These are all things that dominant women (or all women) do not like.
There is no established protocol online for relationships, commitment, or flirtation. In real life, you have physical signs of intimacy that can be a guideline, or measurements of time. Online you may feel that you just spent a total of 2 hours over a period of 4 months emailing and rationalize that it was “nothing”; but in her eyes, it was something entirely different. Understand that women view intimacy differently. Understand that she may be developing feelings, and while you may think it’s just for cyber thrills, she may be considering you for more.
The answer to this is communicating with honesty and integrity. If it’s a one-time hot chat, don’t bother. But if you have had a few conversations with a woman, at least let her know what is up with you. If you are married, seeing someone, or just flirting with lots of people, you are much better of saying, “I just wanted you to know because I respect you and did not want you to think I was doing it behind your back.”
It is better that she find out this way instead of getting an excited email from her best femdom friend bragging about you, only to find out you’re hitting on two women at once. It’s not a pretty sight.
A woman won’t drop you just for being honest. If she does, she wasn’t worth it. If she is possessive (and I admit, we do get like that), evaluate with her, together, what the options are for you giving some sort of commitment to her – whether it be online only, or something more. Maybe she just requires reassurance, a timeline, or more. Maybe she is the type of woman that MUST be the only one. At that point, you need to decide what you want. Again, communication is key.
Too many men just fall under the spell of any woman that will wave her dominant flag in her direction. What is sad, though, is the number of men that will indiscriminately go running after any of them, leaving behind what was already starting to be a good thing.
They are weak. We do not like weak men.
4. Don’t kid yourself: cyber IS cheating
If you are HIDING it from your significant other, it’s cheating. Be honest to both people, your mate, and your cyber dominant. Otherwise, you are setting up for a disaster on several fronts. When is cyber NOT cheating? Well, probably when you don’t care if you leave your PC on and she sees it, knowing she’d just laugh about it. Or when you have the kind of relationship where she understands you do it for fun. This is an individual thing – but it is between you and your primary partner.
Understand one very important thing about dominant women and married men. You married guys with the wives that don’t play with you come crying to us all the time saying “she just does not understand my needs.” Look, we feel for you. We do. But we cannot ethically help you cheat. More importantly, if you cannot be honest and communicate to your primary partner, why should we trust you to do the same with us? If you cannot show devotion to the one you pledged your life to, what kind of devotion can we expect from you? Most of us say “Thanks, but no thanks.”
5. Be selective and show respect
Ok, say your cyberdomme and possible domme-to-be is ok with you running rampant on the net, and she feels no need directing your behavior. You tell her you are “seeing” (in a cyber sense) other women to figure out what you want/need, and she understands that. Hell, she might be doing the same.
But take two important things into consideration. One is – if you care a lot about her, really a lot, why not show a little devotion and keep yourself away from the temptation of other dominant women? A little goes a long way.
Second, consider that the women you choose to interact with in addition to your current online domme do have an impact on her opinion toward you. In other words, if you are courting two dominant women at once and they know about each other but have polar opposite personalities, desires, wants and needs, both women end up scratching their head and wondering who this guy is kidding.
It is the equivalent of a man and woman in real life not in a committed relationship and woman number one runs into the guy at a party with woman number two, and woman number two is fundamentally different. Using a random example, say one is atheist and one is hardcore Christian, but both admit up front that compatible religion is CRITICAL to a lasting relationship. If the guy is just not sure what his religion is, that is one thing. But if he is telling one or both of them “I am DEFINITELY your religion” and she sees him hanging out with Ms. WRONG religion, what does that tell her?
It tells her he is lying through his teeth to one of them, and probably his main motivation is in his own needs. That is, he just wants to go out with anyone.
I used to hang out in chatrooms awhile back, and it always would baffle me when something like this would happen. That is, I’d meet a guy, we’d talk, maybe chat on the phone, exchange some emails. Things would go like this for a few weeks. Then I’d see him kissing up to some dominant bimbo in a chatroom with the whole “Kneel, you worm!” attitude which is, by far, one of the most ridiculous behaviors in my opinion and he knew it – yet, he would be lapping it up. Now, is it worth losing a good thing to just get a few minutes of cyber thrills? More importantly, it makes me wonder – is he looking for the “worm” thing and just settling with me..or is he looking for relationship-based S&M and just “settling” for her – or, at least, looking to get off.
Another, more graphic example. A woman is dating a guy and she likes him. They have no commitment, but she finds out he’s fucking a girl she knows who she has heard him put down. What is happening here? He is getting free, easy sex.
And he loses girl #1 for it.
Oh, I know, you never thought a little cyber domination would be so complicated. It isn’t – if you just want random hot chats, you get what you pay for, so to speak. If you want to build upon something, you have to understand that the way you interact with other women on the net DOES affect the perception she has about you.
If you are not selective about who you submit to, it cheapens your devotion to us. In a huge way. If we see a guy running around submitting to anything with tits (even fake ones, in the case of some windbag going into a chatroom and barking orders before anyone even knows she is real), we don’t want anything to do with him.
Give us a man that will court us, and we see him turning down offers from other women. Now that is devotion. And that goes a long, long way.
As femdoms, I think many of us live with a fear of infidelity because we see first hand so many men cheating on their mates. We know that the drive to submit is a powerful one. With that in mind, we look for men who have integrity and will submit selectively, honestly and with trust. Not a man that we worry about the minute someone sends them a hot instant message on AOL or barks orders at him in a chatroom.
We need someone stronger than that.
6. Show interest and make an effort
Too many submissive men send shorter and shorter emails, fail to ask questions (beyond “what are you wearing today Mistress” and “tell me what you would like to do to me”). Nothing is more of a turnoff than a man who stops asking questions and just responds to a woman’s questions and says “What else do you want to know?”
You need to imagine your email or chat interaction in a real life context. How boring and non-engaging are you being? How can you liven it up? How can you get to know the person behind the femdom?
7. Don’t limit it to just email – actually go above and beyond
There a lot of lazy men on the net, and femdoms are suspicious of men looking for hot email but want to get it with as little effort as possible. They will fake emotional interest and sometimes go so low as to copy the same story over and over again and send it to multiple women, telling them they wrote it for her. I have even had men be so ignorant as to send me one of my OWN stories and tell me he wrote it for me, when in reality he just lifted it from my site but forgot about it. Talk about loser move.
Once you have established a level of trust, send a card or written note as a gesture that your interest goes beyond just cyber words. It will go a long way.
Part Two: How to protect yourself
Believe me, I am not saying there are not deceptive, unethical femdoms out there. There are many. There is a feeding frenzy on the net when it comes to dominant women preying on men who are sincere in their desires to find a compatible partner. The internet, by nature, lends a great deal of flexibility for people to deceive. Women (and men) can set up PO boxes, put out personals, lead men on, then ask for money and dump them. I have heard horror stories.
Unfortunately, some men are so drawn to the persona that they ignore their instincts and go with it, hoping she is the real thing.
Trust your instincts. And here are a few other tips:
1. Make sure she is really a woman
Before you give up too much of yourself emotionally, have a telephone conversation. If she will not agree to anonymous call (hell – a phone booth, a collect call, anything), she is hiding something. Don’t fall for the excuse that she is shy. Dominant women aren’t shy.
At the same time, don’t demand a phone call right away. That can be a little scary. I am talking about at the point that both people are mutually interested and some groundwork is there, but before you feel emotionally vulnerable. At least verify her sex.
2. Beware of demands for money
Any time a woman asks you for money, unless you are together, in person, in a committed relationship heading for longterm, something is not right. The same goes for demanding specific obscure gifts – luggage, furniture.
This shouldn’t be confused with the expectations for some level of courtship. Real femdoms are often taken advantage of, and like all women we do like to be appreciated. But understand the difference between, “I need $500” and “I wish you’d send me flowers sometime.”
If she is a damsel in distress, help her by directing her to assistance – her family members, her friends. If she still needs your help, be cautious. Don’t do anything anonymously, to postal boxes. Demand a real life meeting first.
And trust your instincts.
3. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about her relationship status
All of the points I made about honesty and communication are appropriate for femdoms, too. The problem is, some men are actually aroused by a woman saying, “Shut up, that isn’t your business. You are my slave and property and what I do with other men is my business.”
Well, ok. I can’t help you with that. But you have to really sit down and evaluate fantasy, reality, and what you want in a mutually trusting relationship. If you don’t care that she’s with other guys, that’s fine. But if you are seeking a relationship that is different, you MUST set the standard up front that domination is domination but communication, honesty and trust are critical, and that you are owed that. You have a right to know if she is married, living with a guy, or dominating men all over the place.
If you believe in female supremacy, well, that opens up another can of worms, and I can’t really comment on that because I am not of that believe. If it all comes down to the woman just getting what she wants regardless, this is a mute point.
But if what you seek is based on a foundation of a relationship with some level of equality, you do have a right to know. And if she refuses, have the strength to walk away, she is not for you anyway.
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AFTERWARD:
I think, sadly, the underlying flaws in character we see, as femdoms, are:
1. Lack of integrity
2. Lack of strength
3. Insecurity
4. Desperation
All four of these things destroy relationships, and they are like wildfires in a femdom relationship. A little spark, then a blaze. If you are lacking in these areas, you need to work on making yourself more solid in theses areas before pursuing a relationship with a femdom.
You need the integrity because it is the basis for trust, and without trust, there is nothing.
You need the strength because you are faced with having to keep your submissive desires in check, and we are hyper-sensitive to men cheating because we see it all the time. We have to know you won’t stray when the desires are peaking and you aren’t getting what you need, and an outside woman waves her domination flag at you.
You have to be secure in yourself because if you aren’t, we cannot respect you. Submission shouldn’t be about stroking your bruised and fragile ego.
And finally, if you are desperate and will submit to anyone, you will end up submitting to no one. Trust me. No matter how long you have kept your desires pent up, you are not increasing your odds by lowering your standards or taking up any woman that offers domination to you. What you are doing is turning off all the women that want to see you place value on your submission and selectivity in your search. You end up limiting yourself to women who will dominate men just as indiscriminately. You can certainly probably find it easy enough, but it’s like finding cheap, anonymous sex with people. You can get it, but what is it really worth?
It’s worth what you put into it. Nothing.
If you want a dominant truly at your side, you have to work for it.