When a total stranger says to me, "Hi Mistress," he is immediately off on the wrong foot with me. In an email, in chat, and in real life. Because I know, right off, that he is either really inexperienced or is living in a fantasy world, or worst of all, doesn't care.
Why I hate it when men call me “Mistress”
Probably one of my biggest pet peeves in the online world (and in many S&M club venues) is the random, total stranger coming up to me and calling me “Mistress”.
I propose launching a campaign to eliminate the use of that word unless a man is TOLD to use it by the woman he is involved with. I have YET to meet a femdom who says to me, “Yes, I love it when someone I don’t know calls me ‘Mistress’.”
Worst of all, it ruins the word altogether for any real intimate moments. I used to find the protocol interesting with my personal partners, now I cringe when I even hear the word.
Submissive men have succeeded in devaluing the meaning of the title through their insistent, blind use of it across the board.
So tell me this, submissives. Even though women tell you again and again, “Please don’t call me Mistress,” why do you turn around and use it again on the next woman that comes along?
I have asked this question a lot. And I have received some of these responses. I’ll include my reaction to them.
“I use “Mistress” as a way to demonstrate respect.”
It is more respectful to not be pretentious. You may think it is a sign of respect, but for most women, it’s presumptuous for you to assume that a) the woman likes the title and b) she wants a total stranger to be using it.
“I thought all dominant women were supposed to be called ‘Mistress’.”
Oh, really? Where did you learn that? From a story, a magazine? From an article, from a porno? Gee, who wrote those? Perhaps men? Don’t you think men are perpetuating the fantasy because it turns THEM on, not because it pleases women?
“I had a Mistress once and she commanded me to always address women that way, and I am following her orders.”
Good. You probably won’t have another dominant partner for a long time, because anyone who tells you how to treat other people with no regards for THEIR feelings is probably someone who taught you a host of other bad, self serving habits.
“I was unsure of the protocol, so I used the term “Mistress” to be on the safe side.”
Ok, so you were reducing the risk of insulting a dominant woman. That’s fine. But what is the risk of not calling a woman “Mistress” who expects it? She will say, “I demand that you call me Mistress”, and then you can both be happy. Is it more of a risk to offend (or get off on the wrong foot) with women who are not so high and mighty and arrogant to think that someone they do not know wants them tossing around titles? Is that the kind of woman you want to serve? If you answer “Yes”, are you aware that the number of women that behave that way, online, is minimal, yet the number of MEN pretending to be WOMEN who use those kinds of protocols is off the map? Think about it.
“I feel is my place to address women with the title “Mistress” because women are superior and this is my way of acknowledging their greatness.”
Ok, that’s fine. But the woman did not ASK you to use that title, nor did she agree with your perception of supremity. If you want to respect her, let her make the choices regarding how you do it. The ultimate sign of respect is not to assume.
“It turns me on to use the title. It makes me feel submissive.”
I think this is the most common REASON but least common one admitted. I think this because of the number of men that lose interest in having a conversation if they can’t keep up with the submissive posturing.
My response is simple: Consensual power exchange involves two people. It may turn you on, but it may turn her off. If you care one ounce about the person you are approaching, let her have a say in the roles and protocol. It may turn you on, but you can’t be so self serving that you do it in spite of what she wants.
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When a total stranger says to me, “Hi Mistress,” he is immediately off on the wrong foot with me. In an email, in chat, and in real life. Because I know, right off, that he is either really inexperienced or is living in a fantasy world, or worst of all, doesn’t care.
I usually respond with, “Please don’t call me Mistress”. Generally, that stops it right there. Often they ask, “Well what do you want me to call you then?” When I tell them, “Akasha,” they often seem disappointed. As if – gosh, to have a normal conversation is a letdown. What impression does that leave the dominant woman with? That perhaps the man is just seeking an outlet for his fantasy and is already discounting what she feels comfortable with.
So what’s wrong with this TITLE THING anyway?
I will admit, when I first started reading S&M erotica in my teens, I found the use of titles to be very interesting. In all of my S&M exploration, I used the protocol. I would say to my partner, “Now, you need to call me Mistress.”
And yeah, it was a bit of a turn on. For men, it might be because it establishes his obedience, gives him a rule he must obey diligently and reminds him constantly of his place.
For me, it was a little different. I liked it because it required real attentiveness. It kept him on his toes. Much like in real life, when you have conversations, you demonstrate much more interest and attentiveness when you address the person by their name. It shows care and consideration.
And it established a definite connection — the way we were communicating was clearly defined as a power exchange. He had to talk to me a certain way. Period.
Then, years later, I was inundated with all sorts of yahoos calling me, “Mistress”. I was offended! I felt like a lady in a grocery store with random kids running up to her calling her “MOM”. I’m not your mom (hell, I’m no one’s mom, but that’s beside the point). I didn’t tell you to call me that. So don’t call me that!
I felt like the title was cheapened. Over time, I was hearing it so much, when I would have my personal partner use it, it lost its oomph. It just did not do it for me anymore. The way it sounded, the way it slipped off of his lips.
It sounded cliché. It sounded – standard. It wasn’t about our relationship anymore, it was about the masses of men running around looking for a title to call their dream dominant, and if I was the only one in the room with tits, well goddamn, I’d be “Mistress.”
The same happened with all the other honorifics. One after the other, they went out the door. M’lady. My goddess. You name it. Everything sounded trite and predictable because all I had to do was walk into a room at a fetish club and have people calling out to me that way, or log onto a chat room and have some random yahoo saying, “Mistress, how may I serve you today?”
Soon, they all left a bad taste in my mouth. In my personal relationships, I have not used the title “Mistress” in years. Well, except in one case, where my partner shared my distaste for the term and my making him use it was a way to mock and humiliate him.
Instead, I do something that works well and still turns me on to no end. I make him use my name. I make him use my name repeatedly, and while looking into my eyes. And that is more special than anything, because these total strangers don’t even know my name, and I won’t be telling it to them any time soon. So it is a title only he can use, and it is special.
So men, as you start tossing around titles like “Mistress” to women you don’t know, consider this. Consider that she may not like the title, and if she does, maybe it is something special to her that you are souring by assuming you can use it.
Understand those dominant women are not around for you to pinpoint and place into your own fantasy world.
And if you use it, to be on the safe side, I want you to strongly consider some of the psychology I’m about to toss out. And this is only my point of view, but I think many dominant women share this.
And that is – that there is something far more appealing and valuable in a potential partner than “eagerness to please” or “desire not to offend” by using titles with a stranger.
What is more valuable than that is pride, independence, and the value placed on submission. The attitude I don’t see nearly enough in men is this: “I want to submit to a woman. But my submission has value, and I am not going to give it to anyone.”
With that attitude, a man wouldn’t think to start using protocol and titles with a woman he does not know, because he has not decided that he can offer his submission. And he knows that if she respects him, she won’t be expecting him to do it, either. And if she puffs her chest out and says, “You must address me as Mistress, slave!” without even knowing him, he’d shake his head and walk away and say “I don’t give it up that easy. Find someone else.”
Women in fantasies are all-commanding, all-knowing, and almost fanatical about their rules and rituals. Sure, that may be a turn on for you. But the real world, women that enjoy dominance are still WOMEN first and foremost. And with that, they desire things like connection, intimacy, and communication before engaging in erotic exchange.
So next time you call a total stranger, “Mistress” and get a sour response, think twice. If you respect her enough to want to serve her or make a good impression, why not treat her normal unless she asks otherwise, and then, decide whether or not you want to comply.
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