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The Good Girl's Guide To Domination


Tips and Tricks for Femdoms- A Guide

Problems and Solutions

Enjoying Female Dominace- A Guide

Dominance: Enjoying It
Steps of Domination
Your First Scene

Questions and Answers about Female Domination

1. New femdom afraid of scaring vanilla boyfriend
2. Husband wants to introduce vanilla wife to S&M
3. Sub wonders if he should visit Pro Femdom or wait
4. How can you tell if a woman is dominant?
5. Budding femdom unsure of next steps
6. Man wants to encourage girlfriend to use strap-on

Femdom Help Desk
What do you do when you get stuck?
Open Letter To a Budding Femdom


The Good Girl’s Guide to Domination

"I believe that many women are intimidated by and uncomfortable with the concept of erotic female domination because of the way they see it portrayed in adult films and in the media. I believe that men also develop many bad habits after years of satisfying their fantasies on their own, and focusing on their own pleasure. Through communication, trust and safe, sane & consensual exploration of erotic power exchange, I think many couples can experience pleasure they never imagined, and also develop better relationship communication and intimacy."

I receive a lot of email from women who are exploring domination. Many of them are doing it at the urging of their husbands or boyfriends, and the woman's attitude can range from "This sounds ridiculous and twisted and I don't think I can ever do it but I want to make him happy" to "Hmm, sounds kind of interesting, but some of that stuff is just too weird." The common question is always, "Where do I even start?"

I decided to develop a series of "scenes" that range from extremely tame to a little more risky. But rather than just say, "Tie up your mate and do this, that, and the other thing to him," I wanted to add what is important:

What YOU might get out of it
How you can do it without feeling uncomfortable
How to communicate about it

Hopefully, the end result will be that you find there are things you kind of enjoy, things you do once and say "not for me," and things you do and look back and think, "Hey, that was really HOT! I want to try that again."

To help you better understand where I am coming from, let me tell you a little bit about who I am, and about this web site. I'm a very normal woman living a very normal life, with a career, and a mate. Unlike most of the women I hear from, I got into "erotic power exchange" on my own, when I was an experimenting teenager, and was not introduced to this by a boyfriend or husband. When I was a teenager, while relatively sexually conservative, I was fascinated with the sensualism associated with games like tying up my partner, or using blindfolds. As I got older, I was exposed to more, at my own pace, and found that there were a great many things I could enjoy with a partner. Some of them are considered quite kinky. In fact, some of the things I do now, I would NEVER have imagined I would do! One thing has never changed though, and let me make this clear:

I have always found the portrayal of "dominant women" in adult films and most adult erotica to be cheesy, ridiculous, and sometimes downright silly.

Chances are that you might only know about female domination from these ridiculous portrayals of latex clad divas and men acting pathetic and you feel embarrassed for them. Rest assured, this is NOT what you are going to become. These films are developed to cater to a male audience. And most men, while they kind of dig that fantasy, really want one thing: A woman who really ENJOYS dominating him. That is more important than a costume or a fetish.

First, the rules. Please read these WITH your mate.

--No nagging. Don't push her into doing it. Let her do it when she is ready. Don't pressure. If she says "I am going to give this a try when I am ready," you are to back off and let her approach it in her own way.
--No asking for more. When she's done with the scene or session with you, don't ask for more. Even if you think you are complimenting her by saying, "Oh I am so turned on, please can we keep going" -- DON'T. There is a time for communication (more on that later), but when she signals that she is done, you can't ask for more.
--Don't top from the bottom. No hinting at her, no telling her what to do, no trying to "help" her unless she asks for it. No trying to manipulate her into doing more of what you like. THE PURPOSE OF THIS IS FOR HER TO FIND OUT WHAT SHE ENJOYS. You already know what you enjoy.
--Don't get addicted. The rush will be fantastic. Separate your relationship from your passion for these games and don't let it rule your life. Provide her with appropriate affection and encouragement in the hours and days following her exploration, without expecting anything in return.
--Retain dignity. If groveling is your kink, please tone it down. Keep your reactions in check and note how she responds to your reactions. The goal here is to not have her feel uncomfortable when she sees you submit. All women react differently to varying degrees of humility in their mates. It's your job to find out what her comfort zone is. It might change with time, but out of the gate you want her to enjoy it and not be distracted by you acting too pathetic for her taste.

--Enjoy yourself. Let go. Don't compare yourself to the stereotype of what you think "female domination" is -- whether it be a dominatrix you saw on TV or something you read in the newspaper or saw in an adult movie or B-movie. This isn't the same thing.
--Enjoy yourself. Make sure you do the things you like and do them lots. If something feels right but you feel confused about it, know that you can reflect on it later, communicate with your mate and find out how you feel about it.
--Enjoy yourself. This is YOUR time. Do not get caught in the trap of thinking, "Ok, I can do this. I can stomach it to please my partner because I love him." That's not the point. It defeats the purpose.
--BE SAFE. Most of these examples are fairly tame, but always know your partner, his health situation, allergies. Always have a communication mode set up, either agree to talk openly during the entire time (So if he says "STOP", that means stop), or set up a "SAFEWORD" if you prefer to role play -- so if he says "STOP" and is just being dramatic, have a code word that really means "STOP". Personally, I prefer open communication, especially if you are just starting.


--All play is initiated by the woman. She picks the date and time. It is up to her whether or not to give advanced notice, and also to still NOT choose to play at that time.
--Play starts AND stops when she feels it should. When she is finished, or "stuck," or if she feels that it just isn't clicking with her, she says, "I'd like to stop now," and all bets are off.
--Communication must take place after the "scene" is over -- in preferably three segments. One, about ten or fifteen minutes after completion. Spend some quiet time cuddling or making love, and then take a few minutes to reflect on how both people enjoyed it. Talk about it again later -- a few hours later. Often new feelings come out. Then, try to talk about it the next day when you have had a chance to totally remove yourself.

--What did she enjoy most? This is her opportunity to share what has worked for her. Also, ladies, remember that often a great deal of the pleasure the man receives is in knowing that he did a good job or made her feel good. This is your chance to give him praise.

--What pushed his buttons? Gentlemen, please do not use this post-scene time to lay out your laundry or wish list. YES, do tell her what pushed your buttons. But cautiously phrase things. DO say things like, "When you pinched my nipples, I thought I was going to lose it! That was so intense and exciting." DO NOT say things like, "I wish you would have pinched my nipples more." Don't phrase things in the negative. Say what you liked, not what could have been better, UNLESS she asks you. This is confidence-building time.

--What odd emotions are you facing? For both partners. Guilt? Shame? Why are you feeling these things? What is worrying or nagging you? Talk through the roller coaster of emotions are you both feeling to better understand how this makes you feel. Note that many times the emotions run VERY high right after completing this kind of scenario, and it takes some time to level off. Think about what you are feeling and talk about it.

--Aftercare -- do not underestimate the importance of "aftercare" for both partners. It is common for one or both people to feel exhausted, zoned, restless or confused. Often a sure-fire aftercare method, to help both people settle down, is good old fashioned quiet cuddling. Gentlemen, do not forget that femdoms need aftercare too -- often they are dealing with confusing feelings of guilt, or wondering if they were adequate. Also, remember that aftercare comes also the next day -- a phone call or an email to say again, "I really enjoyed that." The bottom line: Communicate!

Ladies, I cannot emphasize enough how important these few tips are:

1. ENJOY YOURSELF. Don't try to do this just to please your partner. This is playful, sexual experimentation. Treat it as that.
force yourself to do any of these things if you are not in the mood. Period.
whenever you want. He knows the rules. You do this on your time. Don't feel obligated.
the fantasy/scene ahead of time -- a day or two before, a few hours before. Think about what will make it exciting for you. Think about how shocked and enamored he is going to be.
there is no set start and stop time, or "time length" this should last. It may be ten or fifteen minutes. It may be a half hour. It may be broken up throughout the day or over a few days. When you are done, or feeling not quite into it, you say, "I am ready to stop now." At first, you may want to purposely take less time in your adventures -- they can be exhausting!

The following are simple suggestions for games that you can play with your mate. You take on all the risks involved, and please note that these are suggestions. Always keep safety in mind, and be aware of your partner's physical and emotional well being. Always communicate and always have an agreed upon way to stop the interaction immediately. This is critical to trust and safety!

Often a little light bondage is the easiest first step for a woman who is exploring female domination. I think I read somewhere that a great majority of couples experiment with light tying-up and blindfolding games at some point. It's the most portrayed on primetime TV of all the female domination scenarios. You may have already experimented with this type of play with your mate. This time, though, do it on your terms. You choose the time, and you choose when and how to restrain him. Some creative, spontaneous examples:
--Lightly bind him to a chair and feed him dessert
--Tie his hands behind his back and make him service you orally
--Blindfold him and instruct him how to make love to you
--Tie him to your bed and pretend he is your sex slave, or someone you want playful revenge on. Pretend he is someone you have wanted forever, and now you have him in your clutches. IF you role play, make sure you tell him ahead of time how you want him to react. Should he be scared and timid? Should he be brave and stoic? Should he be a bit of a smart aleck, so you can give him an attitude adjustment? Which of these sound most fun to you?
** Always remember to be careful with bondage. Handcuffs are flashy and fun, but have to be watched as they can dig into the nerves and do damage -- only use them if you are not going to be putting a lot of pressure on them. Scarves, pantyhose, ties work well, but do NOT tie the knots too close to the skin. The point here is to create the aura; later, if you want to follow this path, you can learn how to restrain someone so he really cannot get away, and do it safely. Stay away from the neck.
** Never leave your partner bound and unattended with no way to get free.

What do you get out of it?
For me, there is something very sexy and sensual about bondage. Maybe this is just in my wiring. The sight of a man bound tightly or helpless in some way is just raw. I always get fascinated with wrists, ankles, and hips during bondage. The little struggling bits get me very excited. I like to see a man challenged, and to me, bondage is a challenge. He's helpless. I like things like heavy breathing, sweat -- these things come out when a guy is struggling, even if it's make believe. It's also fun turning the tables.

Note to men: Your fantasies may include heavy bondage, latex, straitjackets, cock and ball harnesses, or real imprisonment. My advice to you: Back off. Let her learn to enjoy the concept of bondage first. If you are looking for those games, you have to put your own desires aside and let her evolve. She will not go from light bondage games to complicated bondage overnight. If you help her enjoy the above games, she is more likely to want to try more. Remember, it's about HER pleasure!

Need toys?  Here's a great Beginners Bondage Kit

Description: This is probably logistically one of the easiest games to play with your mate, and one that will generate the most results quickly. Very simply put, you get to control when and how he has an orgasm. Men often respond very well to being controlled this way. It is exciting for them, and they feel very helpless and enamored with a woman who is not afraid to control his sexual release. You start by simply telling him that he is not allowed to have an orgasm unless you direct him to, and with your permission. You can make the rules. If he is the nagging type, tell him that if he bugs you about it, you will put it off even longer. Make sure you continue to have him pleasure you, however. And make sure you let it be known that you are enjoying having this pleasure, and that he cannot have his own until you say he can. When you are satisfied with his suffering (a few days, a week, even a couple of weeks later), you can make him "EARN" the right to have an orgasm (you pick what he has to do!), or have a great lovemaking session, or even have him masturbate in front of you. He will be putty in your hands. He will probably be on the "honor system" as he could have snuck off at some point into the bathroom, or at work, and satisfied himself. But if he is serious about submission, he will confess if this happens, and you can make him start over again -- or punish him by making him do something he hates (Clean the bathroom? Mow the lawn?). Always remember that the closer you get him to orgasm and then stop, repetitively, often directly results in making him hornier. Timing wise, these kinds of scenes work well in the course of ONE evening (lots of starting and stopping, so by the end of the night he's just ready to explode and will do ANYTHING for you), or over several days, with periodic teasing. Teasing can include things like: A nasty phone call or voice mail in the middle of the day (tell him what you are wearing, that you are masturbating and let him listen, tell him about a fantasy of yours, or just simply say "I bet you wish you could cum right now, eh?"), a handjob in the morning that never leads to anything, the start of a blow job that never happens, wearing something super sexy and flashing him in the bedroom, making him go down on you, sending a pair of your panties to work in his briefcase, pointing out to him casually things about your sexuality, "Gee, it must be cold in here, my nipples are really hard, can you tell?" -- Be a flirty tease, be sexy and know it, be confident and HAVE FUN. Tease the hell out of him. He'll be fit to be tied!

What do you get out of it?
You call all the shots. You have complete control over your sex life. Regardless of your sex drive, this will always work in your favor -- If you have a low sex drive and feel bad about that, who cares -- you deny him, and it gives you the breathing room you have always wanted, and actually you may find your sex drive comes back when you aren't pressured all the time. If you have a high sex drive, you can have your cake and eat it to. All the oral sex you want, when you want it, without having to return the favor. If you LOVE intercourse and can't live without it, train him (it takes practice) to penetrate you WITHOUT having his own orgasm, or experiment with dildos and vibrators. The bottom line is that you will own your own sexual pleasure, and he will become more and more under your spell as his desire for you increases. If he starts whining, or nagging, or his behavior during this "high horniness time" is a turn off to you, TELL HIM. The last thing you want to do is reward bad behavior by not pointing it out. He will be looking to do what you want during this time, and if anyone needs to modify behavior, it will be him. I have found that most men (even non kinky men) respond to this kind of game because it's sexy and fun, and most women can get into it because it's relatively low pressure and she has many options to do it her way.

NOTE TO MEN: Your fantasies may include chastity devices or more severe treatment or humiliation regarding your inability to have release. Back off. This is about having her enjoy the concept of controlling your pleasure, and she must start with what is fun and not complicated. Chastity devices can be expensive and bulky, and in practice are often hard to implement. If she really enjoys controlling you verbally, she may go down that path, so make sure she has fun. Men are often tempted to create their own rituals and rules regarding "not being allowed to cum" because they have done it for so long all by themselves with a make believe femdom, or someone they met on the Internet. DO NOT try to mold your mate into this person. Let her find HER style. Got it? Bottom line again -- let her find out what works for her!

Need a Chastity Device?  Here's a fairly standard Chastity Device widely used by kinky people with positive results.

Description: This one is a little bit harder to define because it can range from a guy who is turned on by wearing panties all the way up to a guy who likes to completely get dressed up. It also can totally vary from a guy who is openly turned on by wearing panties and just digs it, and a guy who puts panties on and actually is embarrassed and he's more turned on by the embarrassment.

I have found that many women have a very hard time with all of this, and this kind of play -- in all forms and variations -- is one of the most commonly hidden by men. A lot of men sneak around doing this. And a lot of women shut it down right out of the gate. Because it takes on so many kinds of forms and styles and intensities, I'll take a stab at just explaining different types of men, what they are into, what I have found makes them like it, and why women hate it. A few quick points out of the gate:

ALL MEN, KINKY OR NOT, LOVE PANTIES. Period. I don't care if he is Mr. Conservative and is more turned off by S&M than even YOU are, chances are that panties turn him on. Women's lingerie has always been erotic to men. Why do you think so many men love flipping through the Victoria's Secret catalog? Ok, so that is fine. Men who like to look at lingerie and look at women in lingerie are one thing...but men who want to PUT IT ON?? (I can see you cringing).

PANTIES FEEL GOOD. Face it -- nicely made panties feel a lot nicer than cotton briefs. We know this because we wear both. You know how nice a good pair of silk or satin panties feel, right? Most men (even the non kinky guys!) at SOME point in their life probably snuck somewhere and put on a pair of panties. Probably during puberty. And they did it because they were curious -- because lingerie was so exciting and sexy -- because panties are the part that TOUCHES a woman's most erotic body part. As a result, many men had a teenage experience that really turned them on. They put on some panties, and they felt good. Period. A lot of them just brushed off the experience, a lot of them felt ashamed. A lot of them kept doing it every once in awhile. It all depends on which man you ended up with.

EVEN JOE VANILLA WOULD GET HARD IF YOU DID THIS TO HIM. I don't have solid evidence to support this (except for my own experiences with vanilla guys!), but unless a guy was really homophobic or afraid of being labeled a fairy, I would put a large bet on the fact that ANY guy would get a huge erection and be totally turned on if his wife or girlfriend said one day, "Hey, put on my panties." He'd resist, but it would mostly be ego driven ("I don't want her to think I'm some kind of fruit"). But if he put them on, he'd be helplessly turned on because 1) they FEEL better than the underwear he is used to 2) YOU were wearing them, so it means they probably have lingering moistness from your body that drives him nuts and 3) Think about it ladies, they are TIGHT, and anything that presses so hard against his manhood will keep him totally aroused. If he can put aside the macho bullshit, he's captivated.

Ok, so what can you do to explore this?
Start slow. Do something like what is described above. Either tease him with your panties, or make him wear your panties, or if your panties are way too small, make him buy a pair for himself. Try to really separate any hesitation you might have about labels (ie, does this affect his masculinity?). Just look at it as a make believe game, like role playing. Don't think so much about "oh he is wearing panties," think of it like "these panties are making him so excited, look at how turned on he is." All of that is in your control.

What do you get out of it?
If you have a mate that is wired to be turned on by this kind of thing, you have a sure fire way to keep him hard any time, for however long, and it's easy. It's instant erection time. Who needs viagra? Even better, you can make him do it when he is out of the house, like at work, and then he is turned on all day long. There is nothing better than a man who is dying to have an orgasm and has been hard all day. He will be putty in your hand.
Also, try to separate the cliches and stereotypes and for a moment think about just how it feels to have his cock in something so tight and soft and silky. It feels nicer to touch, and you may find it quite sexy once you get used to it.

NOTE TO MEN: This is a fetish I have seen many men royally screw up. They either try too much too soon, or they totally neglect to address what concerns most women. So let me give you a few tips and you must follow these. First, don't ask for or expect anything more than just some playful experimentation with panties. You may be into more dressing up than that, or your fantasies run deeper, but this is not the time or place. Your partner has to get used to the eroticism of having you in feminine attire, and that will never happen if she can't learn to have a blast putting you in panties.

Second, be extremely careful to assure her of your sexuality, your masculinity and your strength. I think a lot of women fear that seeing their mate in anything like lingerie might confuse their perception of them -- after all, you are her husband or lover, and she wants to see you that way. Refrain from any "humiliate me, Mistress! Tell me what a sissy I am!" kind of talk, that is not appropriate. Offset all of this by not hamming it up with sissy talk. Be a man while you do this experimenting with her. Tell her how much it turns you on, and let her enjoy that.

(I will have a later section on forced feminization that covers more advanced types of play -- more dressing up, some role playing and teasing games and more....but start with the panties for now...)

Many men have eroticized body worship to the point that it's almost a total drag for their mate, because she feels like she's just a woman attached to a vagina that he wants to go down on, or that he's more interested in playing body worship games than pleasing her. Men do not understand that often there IS such a thing as "too much oral" and that massage can be overrated if he's always begging to give one. Ladies, if your man has a body worship fetish, you can control it and have it work in your favor, and do a few things that make it more satisfying for him. In other words, I have observed that many men want more and more of this because they aren't getting their "fix" from the occasional session of it. More on that later.

One key to body worship is that a man wired for this fetish will get a much more rewarding experience if it happens BECAUSE YOU DEMAND IT. In other words, if he always has to ask for it, or suggest it, then deep down he is thinking, "Well I think she likes this but who knows, she's probably thinking about other things and man, I love going down on her and this is so wonderful but I bet if I never asked to do it she'd never ask me too...".

Control the situation. If he has a fetish for this kind of "body worship" (and that can be anything from wanting to bathe and pamper you to going down on you -- or it can be fetishistic to a part of your body -- your feet, your fingernails, your toenails -- it means there is some part of your body, or your WHOLE body that he wants to be charged with completely worshiping) then make it work in your favor. First, you call the shots. Period. Once you control when and how long he does this stuff, you won't dread it anymore. If going down on you is his thing, tell him when, for how long, and when you want your orgasm and how many. Tell him what music to play, tell him what you want on the TV -- hell, read a magazine or talk on the phone. It doesn't matter, it's about YOUR pleasure. Make him do it YOUR way and on YOUR time schedule.

If he's into massaging you, tell him how you like it. Order him to do the bath ahead of time, tell him what bath oils to buy, and tell him you want scented candles. Make him send the kids to a babysitter and have a once-a-month pamper fest. Make him read books on massage. Hell, if you have a guy who wants to be a live in masseuse, make him learn it! If this is really a fetish of his, consider having a professional masseuse come a few times and show him how to do it.

Men who are into body worship often respond very well to things like: Being told when and how long to do something, being told how to prepare and what to buy, receiving a LOT of feedback about how they are doing at their task (this is critical to their enjoyment, so make sure you reward good behavior graciously), being objectified (in other words, you let him adore you, but you do your own thing -- like talk on the phone, or read a magazine, really make him feel like he's just a pleasure toy for you -- make sure this pushes his buttons before you try it, but trust me, if he's into that, he will love it if you push that to the limit -- and do it without feeling guilty!), being commanded to perform immediately and with no notice (he walks in from work and you are already ready for your adoration!), or focusing on one part of a woman's body (he may have a foot fetish, or a thing for nails and he wants to learn to give manicures). Use these to your favor.

NOTE TO MEN: Ok, so maybe your body worship fantasies have to do with extremes -- like having to go down on a woman ten times in a day, or for 2 hours straight. Maybe it is about being forced to, in bondage, with devices, and being totally degraded. Back off. This is a chance for your mate to learn to enjoy being pampered. If you have been pushing her for a long time, she may be to the point that she dreads oral sex because she feels like you are more into licking her pussy than into seeing her happy, and she may be faking orgasms regularly just to appease you. If you want a woman to enjoy being worshiped, let her enjoy it HER way. In time, she may want to explore more intense games. Even though you think there could be NOTHING wrong with cumming ten times in a day, she may not find the same pleasure in that. There IS such a thing as "too much of a good thing" --- if you get her burnt out on pleasure, and nag her, she's going to hate the whole concept of "body worship." So start slow, and let her direct the path.


I wanted to write a little bit about the topic of "domestic slavery/servitude." For women, this may be one of those weirdo terms. You hear it, and you probably think, "Oh great." It sounds so…kinky, weird, and fetishy. Sometimes I think terms were created almost to be more ominous than they really are.

And, in many cases, the term covers a broad spectrum of experiences, intensities, and the overall impact in the day to day lifestyle of all people.

What is it, really? "Domestic Slavery"? By my definition, it's a situation where the man supports the woman in the household in domestic responsibilities. In the "extreme" cases, the man has a fantasy of being responsible for ALL of the household tasks, and in fact, commanded or instructed to do them, while the woman luxuriates. (talk about micro management!)

Nice fantasy, isn't it? Practical? I highly doubt it. Mind you, there are some people who do this, and make it work. But that's the far, far end of the scale.

Many submissive men look to "forms" of "domestic slavery" (or domestic submission, more appropriately) to "scratch the itch" they feel, without pressuring their hesitant female partner to engage in "kinky acts." He may try to assume a submissive role by doing things like:

Washing the dishes without being asked to
Washing the car
Taking care of the kids and telling the wife 'Go out and have a nice time"
Offering a massage, or a foot rub (not domestic, but the concept is there: "serve")
Make a nice dinner
Do the laundry
Surprise the lady with a beautiful bath

For many submissive men, this is the only satisfaction they feel they can get, and they use this as a stepping stone to try to prove to their lady that their submission is sincere - that "all they want to do is please!"

If you look into the minds and fantasies of these submissive men, I have found that in many cases, they are sometimes acting out fantasies that are a little more edgy in their minds (and of course, it depends on the man). Some wish they were forced to do the cleaning at the hand of a sinister and commanding mate. Some wish they had no choice in the matter. Some wish they were also judged and given specific orders in how it was to be done. In more extreme cases, some would love it more if they were forced to dress up while doing it (see my section on why men love to wear women's lingerie and panties).

But, many will "settle" for the chance just to please.

In this section, I want to explore why this often fails in relationships, and how you can make it work. As always, I will address the women in this situation first, and then the men.

So what's so bad about having a guy at your beck and call?
Imagine that. Your husband or boyfriend - and "all he wants to do is please"? Sounds like a dream come true? It isn't. If you are like many women I have talked to, it's actually more confusing, rattled by bad timing and mixed signals, and a mish mash of hit and miss. Some husbands are up front and try to explain their fawning behavior; others just start doing it, and hope it goes in the right direction.

These are some of the problems women face when in this kind of a situation:

They like to do things their own way, and have a routine. Extra help, while appreciated, only complicates things sometimes.
They feel obligated to return the favor in some way. Some think "Is he doing all this because he wants me to play some of those domination games afterward?"
They don't like the way he acts when he gets into that mood. It feels awkward.
He does not do an adequate job. She'd rather do her own chores because she does them better.
He pours it on so thick, and so often, she gets exhausted from it.
He asks too many questions, asks for confirmation, hints for praise.
He sulks if he is not rewarded properly

And the list goes on. Now, this is not to say ALL men do this, of course not. But these are the types of things, I have heard (and experienced) that make the experience just - kinda weird, or uncomfortable.

So, what do you do if you are a woman in this situation? I will give some advice, for what it is worth, and again, remember this is just one woman's opinion. When I think about the concept of "domestic submission" or the man who "just wants to please" his lady, I break it down and ask myself:


It's one of two things, or a combination. It is 1) Satisfying a fantasy and 2) Genuine pleasure in making his lady happy.

Ok, fair enough. And, it depends on the man, if you are asking "Which does he want more, 1 or 2?"

I think the common breakdown between couples when they try this situation is that he performs, performs, performs, and does not get enough satisfaction in terms of 1 and 2. Sometimes, he turns passive aggressive to get it. Again, lack of communication (and he may not know he is doing it).

What a woman must do is take control of this situation and make it work FOR HER. I can give you suggestions on how to make it work for you, and also how to give him what he needs so it's not so confusing and it cuts out the miscommunication. When I address the men, I'll tell them how to manage their expectations and put themselves in your shoes for a moment (and guys, I do not mean to go into her closet and put on her pumps).

How do you make "domestic servitude" work for you?
I break this down into a not-so-clever acronym: "DARC" - And I mean that sarcastically. It's not a dark fetish at all. This is not weird, kinky, and will not disrupt your life or make you uneasy. You just have to relax, and remember YOU are in charge. Take what you want from this experiment and see what works and does not work for you.

What is DARC?

Quite simply:


These are the FOUR things that I think are critical to making a domestic servitude situation run smoothly. If I had any more room for more letters and words I'd add BALANCE. And that is - don't expect (and don't let your man expect) that you are going to become a full-blown 24 hour a day "in charge" lady of the house barking orders all day. That is a nice fantasy, but not for everyone. Certainly not for me. If some day, you think you would love that, then go for it. But to start, it must be clear that you will experiment in steps, and whatever balance you find works for you is the one that will stick (that is, balance between "how life used to be" and "times when the man specifically serves you to please you domestically."

Here they are with a brief explanation:

Possibly, a large part of your mate's fantasy is the idea that you are demanding a service from him. If this has not been present at failed attempts to achieve a servitude situation, he might have been instead asking you. Nagging you, perhaps, sometimes.

"Can I get you anything, ma'am?"
"Would you like a footrub, my lady?"
"Is there anything I can do for you right now?"

And so on and so on. You may not mind this. Sometimes, women find it to be nagging when it is poured on too thick. I know that I do. There is a difference between helpful and badgering. There are some times that I simply do not want/need help or fawning and I have my own things going on.

I have a theory that a submissive who needs to "ask to be demanded" is getting a "half fix." Sort of like the sub type who wants his woman to "be dominant in bed and force him to please her" but asks her to do it - he may get the acts, but does not feel like she is doing it for himself, so he's not fulfilled.

How can you avoid this cycle? Demand. Simply demand. And you do not have to be a bitch, or harsh. Just know what you want, and request it. Make sure you communicate with your male partner about how he feels regarding "random demands" -- would this push his buttons, or make him feel uncomfortable? My bet is most subs who are into domestic serving would enjoy a random, spontaneous demand.

Take some time to think about what would help you one day. What would make your day better. Would it be a nice bath? Ask for one. Would it be that a closet is cleaned out and re-organized? Ask for it.

Even take a simple errand, something in the past where you might have called him on his cell phone on the way home and say "Oh, honey, I just realized we are out of milk, can you stop by the store?" Change that to a demand. Playfully. The call would instead be,
"Hello my pet. I want a half gallon of milk, and I want you to go get it, on your way home. Understand? Do not let me down."

Sounds easy? Well, there is one more catch to it. It's called "Command" - and I am going out of order in the spelling of DARC but it will make more sense…

What is the difference between a demand and a command? From a semantics standpoint, not much perhaps. But I consider a demand a request for a task to be completed. "Command" is the oversight of an activity and carries more of a serious tone. In other words, you are not requesting he fulfills a task. You are telling him how, when, where, and what the results should be.

Again, check with your partner to see how he feels about this. I have found that most subs like more detailed instructions if they are being given demands. And if they don't get that, they ask follow up questions, and that starts to get on my nerves. I am not sure why some do this. They say it is because "I just want to make sure I get it right" and I suppose that is understandable, but sometimes I think they just want more demands, more commands, more of the tone, more of the look. Stretch out the fantasy.

And example, extreme, but to make a point. I am sitting on the couch and there is a red ball and a yellow ball at the other side of the room. I tell my man, "I have an order for you. Go get that red ball and bring it to me, now." What do I expect? I expect him to do it. It's a clear demand.

What if he says, "What about the yellow ball?" (follow up question one)
Me: What about it?
Him: Do you want me to bring it, too?
Me: Did I ask you to bring it?
Him: No.
Me: So what is the answer?
Him: No?

Ok, so maybe I am impatient. A few times, this is ok. But again, and again, and again, I tend to feel like any direct demand may lead to multiple questions until infinity.

This can be avoided by proactively being detailed in your demands, being specific and almost taking it to a level that seems extreme. Remember, he is relishing in the moment that you take a normal request and make it a *demand*. So that means the more words that come from you, the more he is sinking deeper into a place where he's thrilled. Make a game out of it. Remember that milk example? Two versions of it:

Demand style one:
"My pet. Get milk on the way home, understand?"

Demand style two, with more flair:
"My pet. How are you? Good. I have a demand for you. And don't think you can say no. I want you to stop and get milk on the way home. I want a half gallon, and I want you to check the expiration date on it and don't get me something that is going to expire soon. I want you to also go pick up a magazine, I feel like reading something. But make sure it is something I will enjoy"

(or, change the "added demand" to something simple that will please you. Tell him to stop and buy an inexpensive bouquet of flowers they sell at the store. Or a pint of ice cream. )

It is important to remember, as you give a demand, that you do not need to be a bitch, but often men respond to a stern tone. Remember, this is not you BEING bitchy, or being FAKE. This is playful. This is like you used to play make-believe, we all did, when we were kids. You can pick your own style. You can be cool and steady in your tone, you can be a smiling type, cooing a little, indulging in the control. You will find, I bet, that being that other person for a moment is actually refreshing. And you will also find his reaction to be different.

So, in summary, if you turn a demand into a command, make it more formal, he will feel more as though he is providing a service to you - not just doing a quick favor for his partner. That changes his mindset, and helps scratch that itch he has.

Now, to the next part.

I get a sense that some submissive men who are engaging in "service" behavior with their female partner without telling them (instead, just disguising it as "helpful"), get some satisfaction from the act but something is missing. And often, that is "acknowledgement."

Meaning, they do the act, and because the woman doesn't know that in his head this is not just him "doing the act" (ie, she asked him casually to pick up the milk, and he decided to imagine she demanded/commanded, then he brings the milk home….) - he is trying to live it more like his fantasy. When he gets home with the milk, perhaps she's opening the mail and says quickly, casually, "thanks. Put it in the fridge."

Off he goes. Puts it in the fridge (well, he thinks, at least that was another order) and it's done. It was…maybe…a little rush, for a bit, in his head, but really, it just was --- going through the motions.

There must be an acknowledgement of the act to show the man you KNEW it was a demand, you demanded it, and he did it. All this means is you need to close the circle on the demand/command. When he returns with the milk, you check the expiration date (he is nervous), you nod in approval, and you perhaps follow up with a few questions. You must remind him that you did not write this off as a quick request and practically forgot about it. After all, this is a command - something YOU wanted.

What happens if you don't do this? In some cases, the man might push for it. "I got you the milk." If no response, he might continue to bring it up. The unknowing woman might be getting annoyed. After all, she knows he likes her to be "bossy" but why does he have to drag out something so simple??!? Because for him, it's not just the act. It's her presence IN the act, and he wants to see more of that. Be involved.

And finally, the last part….

We forget this too much in our vanilla lives, too. Rewards. A reward, at the minimal, is a "thank you." Many women with submissive husbands who are trying to play the role of domestic servant think that "thank you" is adequate. And you may wonder why it is not. Well, it goes back to his wiring, and again, making the act more of a process (a longer, more involved process for him) - and in his insatiable "desire to serve" probably the single most motivating factor for him is *knowing he made his lady happy*

It's pretty hard to get excited about a half gallon of milk. I'm not suggesting you glorify the moment. But depending on the nature of the act (did he pick up some milk? Did he mow the lawn and he is a sweaty mess? Did he fix you a fantastic bath?) - you should display some sort of "affectionate reward" - still, in that commanding tone. Playful, yet confident, if you like. Or stern, approving. A pat on the head (some men are very fond of things like that), a slap on the tush, or an actual reward. This is different from the kind of appreciation you are used to showing. While I am sure he would enjoy it, the response "I am so grateful for that, thank you, you really helped me" …..if you appeal to his servant side, his fantasy of you being commanding, a more scintillating comment may be, "What a good boy you are. You did exactly as I told you, I might just have to keep you around. What are you smirking about? Wipe that smile off your face, silly. Go get ready for bed."

Final thoughts
Ladies, if your partner has indicated he likes this kind of behavior from you, you need to sample various ways to approach it, communicate with him on which ones push his buttons and find out which ones really push yours. Know that you do not have to do this all the time. Do it when it suits you. When it comes to domestic servitude, sometimes my attitude is, "It's actually just easier to do it myself."

Try to come up with a few tasks that you would appreciate being handled, and dish them out to him. Or make him indulge you on the things you enjoy, but instead of having him nag you if you want them (when he's trying to be proactive and helpful), head him off at the pass and demand them.

Men, if you feel the above situations might be familiar to you, I have some suggestions as you encourage your wife to take a more active, controlling position regarding her domestic needs. Here they are:

As always, back off and let her go at her own pace.
Do not suggest things. You are not being helpful, you might be nagging (check with her on this, some women DO like to be asked instead of having to come up with it)
Do not follow up with a million questions unless you REALLY are confused. Consider why you have the urge to ask more questions.
If you are doing chores, DO THEM WELL.
Do not bring your fantasies into it. If she asks for you to perform a task, do not say "Do you want me to wear panties while I do it?" as if that is "helping." You and I both know what that really is. Don't frustrate your blossoming femdom partner with that approach.
Always communicate during down time with your partner to see how both of you feel about the situation

As always, I encourage feedback. The opinions expressed are only my own.

Best of luck to all!


If you’ve already read and are comfortable with the “panties” section of the Good Girls Guide, you’re probably ready to expand into more lingerie games. Don’t feel pressured to take it to this next level unless you are comfortable with the panty games you’ve been playing with your mate.

Are you comfortable when you make him wear panties? Do you see how much it turns him on?

Has he learned to not bother you about it, to not wear panties without being told, to not steal your panties (hey, they have NO idea how expensive good panties are, do they?).

Are you comfortable with how he reacts when he wears panties for you? Remember, you have to forget any taboo issues regarding a man wearing lingerie and think about what is really happening. You’ve found a way to keep your man aroused almost all the time. You’ve realized that it’s very logical why he enjoys wearing panties so much – they are more comfortable and sexy, and they represent something so erotic to him – the parts of you that he wants so bad to kiss and worship.

If your partner is highly aroused by lingerie games, you can take it to a higher level and find ways to make him melt. The best part of lingerie games, I’ll admit, is that it is 100% effective if you know your man is into feminization games. Other types of female domination play often leave us feeling unsure of his reaction, or wondering if he’s getting his buttons pushed. With lingerie games, you will be amazed by the consistency and intensity of his reactions.

As the lingerie games go beyond panties, you may find yourself uncomfortable with the idea of your man dressed in such a way. It seems so foreign, maybe even weird. But if you look back at your life growing up, you’ve probably seen or heard of guys dressing up as women for Halloween, or in High School for pep rallies or various pranks. Look at how much the “cross dressed straight man” is portrayed in popular fiction – from the conservative “Tootsie” (Dustin Hoffman) to “Rocky Horror Picture Show.”

Most women do not even know their husbands or boyfriends might be cross-dressing in private. These men are not gay – far from it. They are so afraid of what their ladies might think, they never even get to the point that they can admit it. But, look at the excuses men go through to dress in drag! You think they could not think of anything else to dress up as but a cheerleader or a waitress for Halloween?

Do not get caught up in the stereotypes. Your man is not gay. He’s just not hiding it, like many men do, and he’s able to share it with you. In turn, you should view this as a bit of risqué role-playing, as a game.

I’ll cover a few advanced types of games you can play with your mate and what you can expect:

1. Add more lingerie
If you’ve found that your mate is highly programmed to respond to lingerie games, you can be sure that other types of lingerie will just increase his arousal. Think of all the sexy things we women wear. Thigh high stockings, sexy teddies. If you make him wear thigh high stockings, it only increases the distraction because he can feel them when he walks. You can make him wear just about any kind of lingerie for you, and you’ll be pleased with the results.

2. Send him lingerie shopping – or go with him
You can really make him sweat by taking him into a Victoria’s Secret and browsing the lingerie with him on your arm. Look at how uncomfortable so many men are when they are inside the lingerie store. How many men have avoided, at all costs, the idea of going into that lingerie store alone, even to buy a gift? That nervous embarrassment, while surrounded by all that lingerie that makes them hard, creates a combination of fear and arousal that they love and hate at the same time.

Making a browse through the lingerie store an adventure will be a continuous foreplay session with your man. Make him pick out the panties he will wear later. Critique his choices.

You can take this game as far as you feel comfortable. Sometimes, a salesgirl will get a drift of your games, and that just makes your man even more embarrassed. But even if he doesn’t know, he will always assume the worst. No matter what, he thinks every woman in the store is staring at him. He thinks every single woman in the store is wondering if he is buying panties to wear himself. He thinks every single woman is wondering if he is wearing panties right then.

One word of caution, though. Always be respectful of the salesgirls and other ladies shopping, and never reveal more than you know any stranger would be comfortable overhearing. It is not fair to expose someone to our games; we must walk a line of courtesy and excitement. Good judgment is always appropriate.

Remember, you don’t have to go with him. You can send him out and make him buy bras or panties for you (even take the catalog, circle what you want and make him take it to the store so you are sure he gets the right things). This “errand” will keep him horny for days on end, and it will serve a practical purpose – you get the lingerie you want!

3. The next step: An entire outfit?
If you are certain that your mate is into more than just panties, and actually wishes and dreams he’d be dressed up more for you, why not consider it? Consider it a night of dress up play. He may need assistance (at first) with sizes and styles. Ask him point blank if the idea of wearing women’s shoes turns him on. You might be surprised by the answer. Go ahead and indulge him, and you may find that the amusement of watching him try to walk in heels is worth the initial discomfort you might have felt.

4. Can you believe this? Pantyhose.
This has to be the most ironic cruel joke of all times. Some men actually get turned on by wearing pantyhose. Most of us ladies consider pantyhose an evil invention, a hassle, or just a forgotten but necessary accessory. Out of the blue, tell your man to get a pair of pantyhose and put them on and wear them under his clothes all day. First of all, he’ll start to appreciate you and the effort you go into putting them on without getting a run. Second, the overall tightness and snug feeling accomplishes what you want – he cannot forget he is wearing them. Something so form fitting around his crotch just distracts the hell out of him.

As an added game, tell him he has to perform certain acts for the number of runs he gets in his hose as he puts them on. Make sure you get what you want!

Still uncomfortable? If you still find yourself uneasy at the idea of seeing your mate dressed up in feminine clothing, try to identify what it is exactly that bothers you. Does he behave in a way that you find unflattering? Does he want to dress more than you are comfortable with? Sometimes, a couple may want to consider a compromise. If your mate is the type of man that just likes to be dressed – and for longer periods of time (like a few hours), don’t feel like this means you have to be directly involved the entire time. Don’t think that this means you have to even be there. Some men are absolutely content being left alone for the majority of that time – just to experience what the clothing feels like. You can order him to get dressed up, make sure he’s dressed properly, then go get your nails done or go take care of errands. Leave him with a list of tasks to complete – vacuum, wash windows, clean bathrooms. This will serve a dual purpose – he’ll be forced to move around in his new outfit, and he’ll be “serving” you at the same time. And, as for you – you will get some housecleaning done while you are out enjoying yourself! You can also add that when you get home, you want him to be back to normal. If you prefer him that way for sexual intimacy, this will give him time to get aroused and get it out of his system, then make him change back to normal and be ready for you. It might be a good idea to keep him in the panties, though, as a reminder!

Also, I have heard of relationships where the woman can accept the occasional cross-dressing but finds that being a part of it isn’t something she is comfortable with. A compromise the couples come to is that the man is given time (a couple times a month, for example) to “dress up” when she is out and does not have to get involved. This way, he is not actively hiding it or sneaking around. Many men are used to indulging in this fantasy alone already – and when given the choice between doing it in private or not doing it at all, their answer is clear.

It’s important that you respect your mate’s limits and understand her hesitation as you go deeper into lingerie games. Some women take to it immediately and consider it a fun game, or just flamboyant enough to minimize the uneasiness. Others, though, don’t really like the idea of their man feminized.

Once again, it’s always important that you don’t push her, and don’t overdue it. Some BIG don’ts are:

DON’T wear panties without permission or sneak around wearing lingerie
DON’T ask for frequent cross-dressing play times – unless your mate initiates it – because it’s important you remain primarily masculine for her in your daily roles
DON’T lose track of how much money you spend on your dressing habits. Lingerie and clothing are expensive; always be conscientious of the cash flow and remember that you are a couple. What new outfits or lingerie has she bought for herself lately? Balance!
DON’T sneak around to dress completely in entire outfits. Instead, ask if it’s ok for you to indulge during times alone.


One of the most common things submissive men tell me their female partners say about not wanting to get involved in any kind of S&M is, "I don't want to hurt you," or "I'm afraid I might hurt you."

Ladies, is this true? I think a lot of the time women say this when a man pulls out the nipple clamps and whip because what she really means to say it, "I don't want to do that stuff."

Men play rough games. Men are physical. They beat each other up in football, they lift heavy things in the garage, some men are extreme athletes. They would get in a bar fight to defend your honor and they can endure a root canal just like the rest of us.

But the idea of inflicting pain for some pleasurable response is simply weird. There's no other way to explain it. And the idea is absolutely contrary to any normal thought a loving, affectionate woman would have when thinking about her husband. And, when he breaks out those props - gadgets and gizmos for his various body parts - that's just plain disgusting!

Like a lot of my advice, I ask couples to each do one thing. Men, back off with the suggestions and the toys and expectations. Ladies, try to not think about the stereotypes and toys for a minute.

Ladies, remember that you may never get comfortable with the idea. I only suggest you give it a try with a slightly different perspective. Let's first get into the head of your mate. Why does he like pain? Why on earth does he want you to hurt him? Does this mean he just wants you to beat him up? (You may have seen the episode of Desperate Housewives when Rex confessed to Bree that he was into her being in control or causing pain, and her reaction was to slap him across the face in disgust and say, "Was it good for you!?" - this is a great illustration of the misunderstanding). Here are some of the reasons men like pain, and your partner may give you a few of his own:

1. Physical pain causes an endorphin rush. This is a well known fact, and that rush is very exciting for some men, especially in a sexual context. It makes his heart beat faster and his skin tingle and he gets a rush from it. Athletes also get addicted to this high.

2. Physical pain makes him feel more submissive to you. It makes him see you as powerful.

3. Physical pain is an actual fetish for him; for whatever reason, the pain causes a positive sexual response, he is just wired that way.

4. Physical pain adds an element of lack of control that makes it exciting for him (note that he may be very, very adverse to the pain itself! He might just like the idea of it, the threat of it, and the very occasional use of it).

I'll give you what I consider three different types of pain, and then talk about how and when to use them. Keep in mind, this is only if your husband is suggesting that pain is something he is into, and you are comfortable exploring. Or, if it is something you find intriguing, and want to see what it is like.

Here are three types of pain:

Lustful/Playful Pain
You probably are familiar with this already, and may have participated in it without even knowing about it. Things like heavy nibbling or biting during sex, hair pulling, scratching, spanking. It's not uncommon to hear even conventional couples talking about "a little rough" sex and how it can be exciting. No one is really getting hurt, and the extra scratches nibbles just add a passionate flare.

Theatrical Pain
Whips and paddles, riding crops, and all the other "implements" make up what I like to call "theatrical pain." If your husband brought out a paddle one night out of the blue and asked you to use it on him, you probably looked at him like he grew another head. Especially if it was one of those crazy fraternity-type paddles. Or did he giving you a riding crop and you thought he was interested in horses all of a sudden?

Some men are masochists and they like repetitive, varying levels of direct physical pain. But I think many men are really more interested in the drama and "aura" of these pain implements when they are in your hand. They give you a sense of dominance and show who is in control. The mere sight of you holding a paddle probably arouses him tremendously, and the use of it is merely secondary. The toys help create a little drama and make you more powerful; they clearly put you in control.

Your husband needs to be absolutely clear with you what is interests in pain are. Does he just like the added flare of it, and only likes pain in the context of his submission? Or, is he really a masochist, and he yearns for serious sessions (I liken this to the S&M version of an extreme athlete; he wants very, very intense physical sensation. This can be extremely intimidating, even for an experienced domina. Do not think you have to make this leap! It is not for everyone, and your partner should understand this. He may get off on mountain climbing and skydiving; that doesn't mean you have to, also. You have to find some compromise).

Your partner should tell you in very clear terms what kind of physical pain he has experienced and enjoyed. This does not mean you have to do it; it just gives you a frame of reference. You can then take a riding crop, or a paddle, and give him a few experimental swats. Make it playful. Communicate about it. Ask him, "Is that what you mean?"

Submissive men often coax their wives or girlfriends into physical pain play right out of the gate, and hand them a whip or paddle and start talking about safewords. They tell you they will use a word to tell you to stop, it's a code word. Suddenly, you are standing there with a weird looking leather thing and your husband is spouting off about code words, maybe one or two or three of them, and you are wondering what the hell is going on. "Safewords?!"

"Safewords" are convenient when you are roleplaying, and your husband might be pretending to not like something. So if he says "STOP!" he might not mean stop. I think safewords are very important and serve a great purpose; but for your first steps into pain play, I suggest using - GOOD OLD FASHIONED COMMUNICATION! The last thing you need to worry about when holding a paddle is which word means "stop." He can tell you, "You can hit me a little hard than that…" or "wow! Slow down, killer!" - then there is no confusion whether "red" which means "stop" really means "that was awful" or "hold on, I need a little break."

Remember, this is just an opportunity to find out how hard is hard, and what's a tap versus a slap. Make it fun and light; give him a spanking with your hand, switch to a paddle. Have fun with a riding crop and learn how it delivers a precise, startling *swat* on a thigh or butt cheek. Keep your impact areas limited to buttocks and thighs and avoid kidneys or genitals. There are many articles on the net that explain safe play with impact items; I suggest you read them, and always remember safety is most important. Probably, your partner has some experience with the implements and their uses and can walk you through it.

Sexual Pain
You may have been shocked or even disgusted if your partner presented you with nipple clamps, cock and ball harnesses and weights, or other toys designed specifically for erogenous zones and genitalia. I've mentioned in these articles previously that the use of toys and implements should be a step taken only after you get used to the idea of dominance itself.

Toys like these are designed to create very specific sensations in the most sensitive areas on a man. They're effective because they're designed to do something specific, and also because they're ominous. Again, going back to the use of paddles or a riding crop - the mere fact that you are holding them in your hand and willing to use them while he is completely helpless just sets up a situation of complete control.

Imagine if you had no toys at all, and you were ready to start experimenting with some light pain and pressure on various parts of your partner's genitals and other erogenous zones. What kinds of things would you do?

Pinch/bite his nipples
Grip his penis very tightly, use varying intensities
Hold him tightly by the balls; pull down on his balls; twist at his balls carefully

In the heat of the moment, you may have done these things. For some men, these sensations drive them insane with pleasure/pain or lust/desire. Other men find that these sensations make them feel very vulnerable to you - and this is a feeling they are trying to capture. Remember, this is all about control.

If you were playing a game with your partner where you had to provide these sensations but keep your hands free, what would you do? We women are very innovative. Maybe we'd use some clothespins on his nipples. Or ice cubes work, but they still require hands. Maybe we'd tie one of our stockings around the base of his penis. There are many things we'd do with household items.

These toys simply make the job easier, and are designed with a purpose. If your partner has expressed an interest with these kinds of toys, he probably has experienced them - often just by himself. When you are ready to see how they are used, have him show you by applying them to himself so you can see where he places them, how tight he makes them, and what might affect the sensations he's feeling. This is a learning time, not a play time.

But if these are toys he wants to use, and you are not so sure you how feel about them, I suggest you use your hands, mouth and imagination to create the same sensations.

What do you get out of it?

Enjoy the reactions you get from him - enjoy the fact that you can tease him and make him squirm. The pleasure you get from these activities should come from how exciting it is to have a direct and immediate impact on his sensations. If you are enjoying it, you can't start thinking to yourself, "I'm enjoying hurting my partner," - that is not true at all.

You are enjoying making him feel a euphoric high of sorts; you are making him feel more vulnerable and controlled by you (which he craves); you are making him feel things that no other activity can make him feel.

There is another part of pain/sensation play that most dominant women and a great many "non kinky" women enjoy, and is the reason for the nibbling, biting, and frisky "rough love" between couples. There is something extremely exciting about the physical reactions a man has to these intense sensations. We women are drawn to it when we see men sweat and suffer in competitions; how many portrayals of "heroes" in popular fiction and film feature him grimacing, sweating? It can be extremely arousing to make your man react intensely to sensation, to make him perspire, to make him grit his teeth. See these reactions for what they are - demonstrations of what you are making him feel.

A special note about "toys": If you find that you just can't get over the "creepiness" of toys, or the idea of pain, that does not mean you aren't succeeding. The entire theme of these articles is for you to explore aspects of power exchange and see which ones you find enjoyable. Some of them you will not. Part of your partner's commitment to stop pushing, prodding and nagging you is his willingness to understand there are going to be some things you just don't "get" and don't care to explore.

However, if you seem to be ok with the idea of a little pain play, but just don't like the "toys," remember that most of these items come in a variety of shapes, sizes and quality. Take the opportunity to browse online catalogs or an adult store; you may find that a goofy-looking odd shaped paddle simply was too ridiculous to even hold, but a nicely made riding crop feels kind of sexy in your hand. You may find that a hand-shaped paddle made you laugh, and that you could see yourself using it because it made the act just seem more playful.

Be clear from the start if you are the type of submissive that likes the "idea" of pain or the "threat" of pain but are not really a masochist. You can see there is a huge difference between this kind of man and a man that actually gets aroused from pain, and needs a certain level of intensity. If you only like very small uses of pain to make you feel more helpless, your partner needs to know this.

One of the most important things about exploring pain play with your partner is honest, clear communication first, so she can really understand the varying levels of pain or sensation these toys give you. Do not muddy the communication by trying to get her to use toys in the context of a real sexual power exchange right out of the gate. You are asking for way too much.

Second, remember that you need to tell your partner both during - and after - that the pain she made you feel is what you want. She needs to know that you LIKE it, even if you are grimacing and wincing. It is your responsibility to let her know when the level of pain is no longer pleasurable. Nothing can turn pain play into a train wreck more than a submissive not being honest about how the pain is, only to have his femdom partner later feel guilty for doing what she thought was what he wanted.

Do not confuse her in early pain play by dramatizing the pain and sending mixed signals. Communicate your positive feelings about the experience throughout the entire process.

Your main goal is to see what she might be enjoying from this. Does she seem to like it when you squirm a little? Does she enjoy it when you give out a yelp? Does she like it when you grit your teeth and try to appear like you are toughing it out? Ask questions at an appropriate time to find out what pleasure, if any, she got out of the exploration.

Don't get too hung up on toys. Some women will never like the idea of toys or props because they've got a negative association with them. Or, she may need some time to warm up to them. Let her go at her own pace. Never push.

Do NOT buy your partner pain toys as a gift, even if you "think she is ready." When she is ready to take that step, it should be when the timing is good for her.

Here are a few suggestions for WOMEN to purchase as pain toys for their men.  Never introduce toys until YOU are ready.  Pick the toys you find interesting or intriguing. Here are a few suggestions of my own tried and true favorites:

Japanese Clover Clamps
Riding Crop


More coming soon....Strap On play (how to do it..and ENJOY IT!), anal play, edgier humiliation and more.  Who thought more extreme S&M could be so much fun?



What do you think of this section? Feedback from both men and women encouraged! Please email me and let me know if this has helped you, or what you'd like to see more of.



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